feisty_red's Journal

Monday, January 3, 2005

9:23PM - the never-ending lunch...(or so it seemed)

It wasn't quite how I wanted to spend my lunch hour. But I had no choice. I needed to be present, and I needed to put on a good face.

I found my mind wandering throughout lunch. How could six people from such different worlds manage to co-exist on a social level, when their only commonality was the company they work for? At first, it was a get-to-know-you session founded on the premise that the better we know each other, the better we will work together. After all of the pleasantries were exchanged, we switched our conversation topic to movies, Hollywood, and pop-culture. Phew: those were topics I could handle.

And so we found other commonalities: Our adoration for Johnny Depp and the carefully selected roles he opts for these days; our concerns regarding the Oscar nomination process; our real life "star" encounters....Our 70 minute adventure (yes, I timed it) would have been extremely painful were it not for the infusion of pop culture. What are we going to speak about next?

And so my never-ending mind has already started thinking up topics: we could discuss the 17 per cent of individuals in my age group who actually voted during the last Presidential election (how pathetic)...or how about our astrological signs? Better yet, there is always how much we cannot stand being forced to grin and bear it during an agonizing lunch just to appease those individuals signing our paychecks. And this is supposed to be team-building???????????????? Wake me up when it's over.

Current mood:

blah

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Sunday, January 2, 2005

5:44PM - A long time coming.

It may take me a while to get used to this new medium. I have about 20 journals hidden in my apartment that I've written in over the years. Ironically, I've never filled the pages of an entire journal from page one to the end. Every time I got close, I would go out and buy myself another journal. It was almost as if I was afraid to write on all of the pages because that would signify the end of a chapter; and I was never ready to end a chapter. I much preferred to continue it and over-analyze it.

I've talked about starting a web journal for years. The one reason I never did was because I didn't think anything I wrote could possibly sustain the attention of readers. That seems to be a pattern in my life: I am more concerned with pleasing others than making myself happy. I can't seem to allow myself to just do things that I WANT to do. I always worry how my actions will impact others, and in turn, I end up taking my discontent out on myself via self-destructive behavior that on an intellectual level, I know I shouldn't engage in.

But as we start a new year, there will be no "should's" and there will be no other priority but looking out for me. If I don't do that for myself, how can I expect anyone else to?

I view this journal as a first step in that process. It's nice to have that control, and not be denied it...

Current mood:

shocked

Current music: silence.